Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.
KIDS SCHOOL ANSWERS
The future of "I give" is "I take."
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts - first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nose bleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: Wear a condominium."
"For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 Degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
Wind is like the air, only pushier.
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail,
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower.
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents
are doing taxes.
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Never do pranks at a police station.
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your
mom told you to do.
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Stay away from prunes.
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's
THE BATTY HYMN
of the REPUGNANT
Mine eyes have seen the Tubby
I have seen his big triangle
A little boy named Junior hung out at the local grocery store, even though the other boys liked to tease him. They said he was two bricks short of a load.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offered Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always took the nickel, "because it's bigger."
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior smiled. "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it."
THE BIG DATE
It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're
my son, and I
You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here Rosh Hashanah."
CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT
"You Were an Accident"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Little Persons' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"What Is That Dog Doing to the Other Dog?"
" Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet-Best Friends"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife, Timothy"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"Fone Fun-Area Codes of the South Pacific"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"You Can Die, Just Like Grandpa"
THE TODDLER MIRACLE DIET
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.
Well, now there's the new "Toddler Miracle Diet".
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!
Repeat above as many days as needed!
SOME PARENTAL QUOTES TO HELP YOU RE-LIVE YOUR CHILDHOOD
* If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!
* You always find things in the last place you look.
* Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way.
* This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This (spank) hurts (spank) me (spank) more (spank)...
* I want you to go find something for me to spank you with.
* I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.
* No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer.
* 'Hey' is for horses.
* If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over with.
* Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at all.
* Let me kiss it and make it better.
* Carrots are good for your eyes.
* But Popeye eats all his spinach!
* Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)!
* Eat all your dinner or no dessert.
* You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!!
* Go to your room and don't come out until I say so.
* I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight.
* No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and bathing and feeding it.
* Kootchie coo!
* Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good!
* Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug? I'm going to count to three...
* If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?
* Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?
* Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own!
* You're in big trouble when your Father comes home!
* If your not home by 6:00, your grounded!
* Flush the toilet and wash your hands!
* Just because, that's why.
* You're grounded.
* Just do it, or else.
* What is that awful racket!? (Little Richard being played.)
* (The wash-your-face-with-spit routine. Oh, MAAAA!)
* Sit up straight.
* What is it, Halloween?
* Of course you're going to church.
* Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely.
* Do you know what happened to all the cookies?
* Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes!
* In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS!
* A little hard work never killed anybody.
* Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm!
* The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you!
* You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the teacher on him!
* (Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.)
* I'll tuck you in in just a second.
* Stop running in the house!
* Did I raise you kids in a barn?
* Look at this mess!
* Pick up your room, you'd think a pig lived here.
* Hang up your clothes!
* Take out the trash.
* What on earth do you need $5 to go to the Mall for??
* Don't get lost!
* Look both ways before crossing the street.
* Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store.
* Say You're sorry.
* Put it back.
* Put that down.
* Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail.
* Come here. Come here. Come here.
* I won't tell you again!
* When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents.
* What's for dinner? * It's a surprise!
* Why didn't you go before we got in the car?
* I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one!
* No, and that's final!
* One more word out of you and there'll be trouble.
* Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!!
* Cut it out right this minute.
* I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how.
* Stop bugging your little sister.
* What do you say?
* What's the magic word?
* Say 'excuse me'.
* Eat your peas.
* Don't lie to me young man/lady!
* Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.
* That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one.
* Stand up straight and stop slouching.
* A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone.
* Save a lot, spend a little.
* Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out.
* What will the neighbors think?
* What did you DO until 4 AM?'
* Is having a good time all you think about?
* Well...What seems to be the problem with you?
* I'm really worried about your grades!
* I give you a simple job to do, and you can't even do it!
* There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you!
* Keep doing that and you'll go blind!
* 'Still Crying?' Whack!!! 'The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING!'
* Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be depressed!
* You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body!
* Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. what's your name, get over here!
* Do you know how many HOURS I was in labor with you???
* I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?!
* Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.
* Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities)
* Are you really going to wear that?
* You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.
* It's always fun until somebody gets hurt.
* The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your father, I know I'm your mother.
* Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF!
* Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that comes by.
* You did WHAT?!
* When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!!
* Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
* Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
* You feel bad? How do you think I feel?
* If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
* You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
* If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
* I'm only doing this for your own good.
* Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
* Someday you'll thank me for this.
* You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
* If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
* Why? Because I said so.
* I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
* Quit acting so childish.